Signings from Hell
Pity the poor writer, sitting in lonely isolation
at a table, surrounded by his or her books, begging you with sad eyes to stop and talk,
you don’t even have to buy a book. Try to say a few words at least, but not the
following, please–all of which are culled from my own signing experience.
1) Oh hi, are you still writing?
2) What name do you write under? (subtext, I never heard of you.)
3) I always buy your books because I have trouble sleeping.
4) This book is much better than your last one.
5) How much could I make if I wrote this kind of book?
6) How come I never see your books on the New York Times Bestseller list?
7) I can never find your books anywhere.
8) Why don’t you sell a book to the movies?
9) That was a really good love scene in your last book. You must have a terrific
imagination.
10) This looks interesting but I don’t read this kind of book.
11) I intend reading your book, but if I wait a week I can get it in a used bookstore.
12) I loved your new book–I’ve loaned it to all my friends.
13) I’ve had a very tragic/interesting/disgusting/peculiar/fun-filled life. If
you’ll write my story I’ll give you a share of the profits.
14) Can you spare a minute or two to tell me how to publish a book?
15) You look much older than your publicity photo.
-- Margaret Chittenden
Originally published by L D Books, used with permission.
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